On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
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When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
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25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...