Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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