I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just gift wrapped bread.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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