The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
