Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
