i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
