if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Randomize
