I think my fart just growled at me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
