why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
