apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
