Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
