Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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