Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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