Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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