Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
