Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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