i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
