I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
