It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
