Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
