i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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