Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize