So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
how drunk are you?
Several
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
