he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
