Nicole vs. Life
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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