I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
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Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
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To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Come share oat with me in your robe
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