i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved