I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
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Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
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Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.