I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?