he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.