Your dad touched me again.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
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Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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