whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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