So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
