I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
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Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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