wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
