dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
