Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I still have a little drunk in my system
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
