I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
