It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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