I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.