So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.