o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen