i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
