You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
