i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
