i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
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