He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Randomize
