I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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