I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
