non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
