True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
