she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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