things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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