last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize