for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
