Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
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I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?