I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
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Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
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Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.