I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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