Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
