i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
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I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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