Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
