Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
